Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Weigh-In Wednesday: sigh

I know it's only been 2 days since I've been tracking, but I've kept my calories to within the range I set on MFP (1500 for those of you wondering) so I guess I was expecting the scale to at least be the same, not up again.  Maybe 1500 calories are too much and I need to drop it back down to 1200.  Kind of scary when I've eaten  a healthy breakfast and lunch today totaling about 850 so far.  Doesn't leave much for dinner besides some lettuce.

I wrote the check-in post for The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans today.  The irony isn't lost on me that I'm now weighing within a few pounds of what I weighed when I started blogging in 2009, writing for a fitness/weight loss site, and not being able to practice what I preach.  To be honest, that makes me really sick.  That post could be written today with the only exception being that I am much more active now.  Back then I'd done a few really slow 5ks and now I've done 15 half marathons, and 2 full marathons.

But I'm still overweight.  I could say the last almost 6 years were all for nothing, but I know they weren't.  I'm definitely healthier than back then.  More active for sure. But I feel like I've learned nothing about what to put in my body to keep me a size I can tolerate and feel good about. Sigh.

Because I'm having a bit of a pity party here's some timely Shel Silverstein instead.  Kinda wishing it was still Christmas time.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Motivation Monday: a fresh start?

I stole this off of my friend, Jennifer's, Facebook page this morning.  I don't really understand why Mondays are reserved for starting over when you really can start anytime you please.

But today it works. I need a fresh start.  This weekend, one I had to buy more new clothes because I'm running out of stuff that isn't sausage-casing tight.  I found a great pair of pants at Banana Republic for about 75% off.  I bought them and I'm wearing them today, but I hate that there is a number 12 on the tag.  I know it shouldn't matter but I haven't been a size 12 in at least 4 or 5 years.

That's depressing as hell.

One of my friends asked if I was still tracking calories.  I said no.  I track for a couple days, fuck up, and then stop.

Today I started again.

Hopefully it sticks this time.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Motivation Monday: OMG!

I've had more than a few OMG! moments lately.  This past weekend I had to buy a new pair of jeans because none of my current ones fit anymore.

Do you know how hard it is to "reward" yourself with new clothes because you got too fat for the ones you already own?  Not to mention OMG they were crazy expensive.  Not cool.  I really need work pants too because I'm down to 2 pair that fit, but I can't justify spending another $100 when I really don't want to wear them for very long.

This morning I saw a number on the scale that I said I would never see again. In fact, it's a whole decade HIGHER than another number I said I would never see again.  A full TWO decades higher than where I really think I should be.

Yes, it's just a number and I know some of it is bloat from salt and whatnot this weekend, but still. It took everything I had not to burst into tears this morning.  This number is just further confirmation that I've completely screwed up several YEARS worth of work.  I can't stand what I see in the mirror and I'm so disappointed in myself.

How is this motivating?

I dusted off MFP this morning - although I'm toying with the idea of going old-school journaling a la Weight Watchers and just writing down everything I eat and drink without tracking the calorie aspect.

I'm chugging water this morning like it's my JOB.

I'm making a plan to start lifting again when my stupid back settles down (it doesn't help that I failed my long run this weekend because I couldn't last a mile without pain).

Here's hoping all this motivation lasts for longer than a day or two and that number starts going down again and my current wardrobe starts fitting.