Weigh-In Wednesday: this sh*t is hard

For the past 5 weeks or so, I've been following Weight Watchers, going to the meetings, and trying to up my workout game.  It worked for awhile.  You can't even see the starting weight but from highest to lowest it was 11.8 pounds.  Before I started to screw up.

This is after my weigh-in on Saturday at WW (yes, I covered the weights because I hate the numbers).  I gained .6 pounds last week and I weigh in at home on Wednesdays so I know I'm up another pound from here.  It pisses me off because no matter how perfect I am in the next 3 days, I will not be able to show a loss.  What's the point of going if you are going to show you failed?  For 2 weeks in a row.

This worked for about 4 weeks.  Then I started sabotaging myself by going into the teacher's lounge, eating treats, and being frustrated by the changes to the points system this past week.  Before I felt like I could go out, have a beer, eat a cookie, etc because I had enough flex points each week to do that.  Now? Not even close.  It's stupid because for the first 4 weeks, I was allowed 26 points and only one week did I go into the 49 flex points.  Now I get 30 points and every day I'm into the flex points and I'm gaining weight.

It makes me want to give up because it's too hard.  It's hard being around all the tempting holiday treats and it's hard to re-figure everything I was eating before.  Obviously, the first 4 weeks I did fantastic, losing almost 12 pounds.  Now the scale is going back up again.  I feel like I've blown 4 weeks of hard work.  I can't even eat the exact same meals as I did the past 4 weeks because the point values changed on some of them.  My "allowed" points only went up by 4 a day but my weekly flex points dropped from 49 to 28.  That's almost cut in half.  I'm now being penalized because I don't want to use fake shit - like margarine, gross fat free dressings, fake cheese, or "diet" bread.  Before the values of the foods I was eating were low enough that I could still stay within my points and I had enough flex points to put a little real butter on my decent tasting piece of toast in the morning if I wanted to but now I can't do that. My breakfast jumped from 9 points to 12 because of the changes.  My lunch went up too because my salad dressing changed. Today I used a tiny but of jam instead of butter but it wasn't the same.  I've also cut myself from 2 eggs to 1 egg plus those liquid egg white things to go from 4 points down to 2.  One day for breakfast I did just yogurt and fruit and I was starving by 11:00.  I don't know what to eat anymore.

I really don't know if I'm going to stick with this.  Someone in a FB group I belong to suggested I go back to using the Points+ tracking but since I track 100% through the app, I can't even do that because everything in the app is converted to Smart Points.  If I have to carry a paper tracker around with me and all the books, I know I won't track a single thing.  Another thing that's flawed with that suggestions.  What's the point of paying for all the e-tools if you can't even use them?

So yes, I've made progress since I decided to get back on track but the past week I feel like I've done nothing but screw up.  Someone even noticed last night that I looked thinner when I feel like it doesn't show at all.  That's cool but it's hard to be happy knowing it isn't going to last.  Sadly, I feel like I'm going to end up right back where I started because I can't seem to figure this out and I'm too much of a failure to have the self control to stay out of the lounge and away from the treats.

Weigh-In Wednesday: a rough week

(*edited* Yes, It's Thursday. I realized after I published this TODAY that it isn't Wednesday. That's how this week has gone.)

This week has not been fun. I know I haven't eaten as well as I should and there may have been a night where more than a glass or two of wine was consumed.

I've had a nearly $800 van repair that didn't completely fix the problems.  On the plus side, there were two things that they fixed that were actually covered by that elusive "Lifetime Power Train Warranty".  I looked them up and they would have added at least another $400 to that bill, so there's that.  The sucky thing is it goes back in again next week.

source

Somehow through this I managed to lose a pound from last week.  Brightside?

I've been really debating whether I should go to Chicago this weekend.  I'm broke and borderline injured but not to the point that I can't run, I just can't run well.  Luckily it's a large enough race that it's unlikely I'll be DFL.  Plus, I'm already over $150 in for this race so it would kill me to not show up and I really want to see Renee.  I'll just have to be extra careful with what I spend while I'm there since I'll probably be hit with more stupid car repair costs next week.  Since I have that 5k the following weekend, I need to come home not anymore injured than I already am, too.

Have I mentioned how much I hate my van?  And my achilles?

The yoga class I've been attending had a lesson yesterday on replacing negative thoughts with opposite positive ones.  So I guess the positives are that there was enough money in the checking account to cover this week's car repairs, I don't have a car payment on top of it, and I can still sorta run.  How's that?

Anyhoo...Until next week.  Maybe I'll write a race report when I get back.  I haven't done that in awhile.

Not liking this trend

So I followed the advice of a few friends and put the scale away for a bit.  I went on vacation and while I was gone, I got in a few runs and ate whatever I felt like eating.  No low carb. No tracking. No counting calories.  I came back from vacation and waited a few days before I weighed in. Shockingly, I only gained about 1/2 a pound while I was gone.  

Flash forward another week where I've been more on track food-wise and exercising more, and now I'm up 2 more pounds.  What the actual fuck???

I decided to go back in MFP and see a graph for the last year.  11 pounds gained is NOT what I had in mind.  I can only imagine what my doctor is going to say when I'm in for my annual physical next month.

Because I'm some kind of masochist, I took a few pictures.  Because pictures don't lie.  I look as bad as I feel.  I am resembling a stuffed sausage in my clothes and that's really not a good look for me.

Yikes.

There once was a time I really liked my back.  Now? All I see is fat spilling over the sides of my way too tight sports bra and tank top.  There are no muscles left.

I was *thisclose* to joining Weight Watchers again this morning.  Why didn't I?  Because as a "Lifetime Member" I would have to pay again until I reached my previous goal weight - which was 141 from probably over 10 years ago.  There is no way that is a realistic goal anymore when I can't even get to 150.  

I'm kind of stuck.  I started tracking again today but that really hasn't worked for me.  I should probably go back to very low carb.  Honestly, I did lose a few pounds (it's that recent dip on the graph).  I need to get back to the gym and start lifting again.  I bought a 1-month unlimited yoga membership with my daughter to support her going (doctor's orders for her to see if they help her migraines).  We went on Monday and Tuesday's run was very painful and this morning's run turned into a walk because my Achilles and calves were so sore.  I thought yoga was supposed to help, not make you worse.  Going again today so we shall see.

I really don't want advice.  I don't want people suggesting this diet or that diet.  Chances are, I've already tried and failed at them.  If  Whole 30 or Paleo or 21 Day Fix or works for you, that's great.  I'm done thinking they will work for me.  I'm just putting this out there for some accountability to myself.

Back on the wagon I guess.  

Weigh-In Wednesday: I failed

Yep.  That would be a gain this week.  Did you know it's possible to gain weight on a very low carb diet?  Well, it really isn't, at least not this early into the plan.  The fact that I gained means I fucked up.

This past weekend included two graduation parties and a grown-ups party.  I thought I could handle it and make good choices, but obviously I was wrong.

It sucks to have undone over half of what I managed to accomplish (for the record, I was 157 two days ago).  Yes, I know that the majority of this is water, as evidenced by my loss of two of these pounds yesterday, but it still sucks.  I failed and now I'm starting over again.  I know this is why I won't ever commit to strict Whole30 or something like that.  I know I can't do it and then every slip-up will send me into a self-hate spiral.  Proof positive this weekend.

I don't totally hate myself but I'm definitely not happy.

Back to square one.

Weigh In Wednesday Riddle

Warning: whiny post ahead.

Riddle me this:

I stayed within my calories 6/7 days this past week (and the one day I went over was a 14 mile run day so technically I was way under because I'm sure I didn't eat enough the rest of the day).

I exercised 5/7 days.

I'm drinking my water (excuse me while I run to the bathroom to pee, again).

I'm down a whopping .4 pounds (that's POINT 4, as in less than half a pound).  I should really re-weigh myself when I go home for lunch though because I've had major GI issues all morning and I must be down another 2 pounds. TMI - you're welcome.

My measurements are the same.

Why am I making zero progress?

Awful. I really don't remember when my waist size was as big as it is now. Seriously, even at my heaviest I always had a smaller waist. And that number I said I'd never weigh again? I'm almost into the decade above that.

I really think I'm stuck here and "here" is a really crappy place to be. I'm pissed and I don't understand why this is now impossible for me.  This is why it is so hard to stay motivated. I do everything right and I still fail.

Weigh-In Wednesday: sigh

I know it's only been 2 days since I've been tracking, but I've kept my calories to within the range I set on MFP (1500 for those of you wondering) so I guess I was expecting the scale to at least be the same, not up again.  Maybe 1500 calories are too much and I need to drop it back down to 1200.  Kind of scary when I've eaten  a healthy breakfast and lunch today totaling about 850 so far.  Doesn't leave much for dinner besides some lettuce.

I wrote the check-in post for The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans today.  The irony isn't lost on me that I'm now weighing within a few pounds of what I weighed when I started blogging in 2009, writing for a fitness/weight loss site, and not being able to practice what I preach.  To be honest, that makes me really sick.  That post could be written today with the only exception being that I am much more active now.  Back then I'd done a few really slow 5ks and now I've done 15 half marathons, and 2 full marathons.

But I'm still overweight.  I could say the last almost 6 years were all for nothing, but I know they weren't.  I'm definitely healthier than back then.  More active for sure. But I feel like I've learned nothing about what to put in my body to keep me a size I can tolerate and feel good about. Sigh.

Because I'm having a bit of a pity party here's some timely Shel Silverstein instead.  Kinda wishing it was still Christmas time.

Motivation Monday: OMG!

I've had more than a few OMG! moments lately.  This past weekend I had to buy a new pair of jeans because none of my current ones fit anymore.

Do you know how hard it is to "reward" yourself with new clothes because you got too fat for the ones you already own?  Not to mention OMG they were crazy expensive.  Not cool.  I really need work pants too because I'm down to 2 pair that fit, but I can't justify spending another $100 when I really don't want to wear them for very long.

This morning I saw a number on the scale that I said I would never see again. In fact, it's a whole decade HIGHER than another number I said I would never see again.  A full TWO decades higher than where I really think I should be.

Yes, it's just a number and I know some of it is bloat from salt and whatnot this weekend, but still. It took everything I had not to burst into tears this morning.  This number is just further confirmation that I've completely screwed up several YEARS worth of work.  I can't stand what I see in the mirror and I'm so disappointed in myself.

How is this motivating?

I dusted off MFP this morning - although I'm toying with the idea of going old-school journaling a la Weight Watchers and just writing down everything I eat and drink without tracking the calorie aspect.

I'm chugging water this morning like it's my JOB.

I'm making a plan to start lifting again when my stupid back settles down (it doesn't help that I failed my long run this weekend because I couldn't last a mile without pain).

Here's hoping all this motivation lasts for longer than a day or two and that number starts going down again and my current wardrobe starts fitting.

WIAW: an apparently all the things weigh-in

And just like that, I'm up 4.4 pounds and the heaviest I've been in over 6 months.  Great freaking way to finish up 2014, don't you think?

I don't even think I went all that nuts over Thanksgiving either.  I had a very small serving of stuffing and stuck to my paleo dessert.  Filled my plate with lean turkey and sweet potatoes. My veggie dishes were paleo (although the carrots did have a ton of butter and bourbon so maybe not quite paleo).  Other than the stupid zucchini and banana breads that were made this weekend, I've stayed away from wheat.  Since the weekend, I'm back to paleo-ish except for that damn bread.  It needs to be removed from the house.  I've even been drinking water like it's my JOB to try to get rid of any of the crap from the weekend.

The bottom line?  I obviously still ate too much and too much of the wrong things.  One of my friends suggested it's the amoxicilan and high calorie stupid yogurt I'm eating (because the antibiotics hate me) causing me to puff up or something, but that doesn't seem right either.  I know I haven't worked out enough because of whatever stupid bug I contracted, although the past 3 days I've done pretty well.  I got on the scale this morning and wondered why the fuck I even bother to work out because it's obviously not doing anything.

It really sucks and I'm pissed at myself for blowing any bit of progress I ever made.  I can barely remember anymore what it's like to be in the 140s, much less how great it felt and looked to be in the 130s. At this rate, I should be well up over 160 by the new year.  Happy 2015 to me.

Weigh In Wednesday: up down up

By all accounts, this shows a 0.4 pound loss this week, but if you were to expand that out to show the last year, you'd see I've basically maintained with a hell of a lot of up-down-up-down.  A year ago, I was 150, so over the past year, I've made no progress whatsoever. What frustrates me is that I stepped on the scale yesterday and was 148 even - so I "gained" .8 pounds overnight.  Now, I know I didn't eat enough to gain almost a pound in 24 hours so it's water or maybe my coffee hadn't fully kicked in yet.  Whatever.  It's still frustrating.  I know I shouldn't care and 148.8 is a weight that many people would probably celebrate, but I do care and it frustrates me.  Have I mentioned I'm frustrated?

Maybe I'm just not working hard enough.  I've definitely been more "ish" than paleo lately.  Damn you, Udi's, for making such good gluten-free bread and Bell's brewing for making such good beer.  Maybe adding lifting nearly every day to my cardio isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing.  Again, maybe I'm just not working hard enough.

It's ironic that 2 of my friends posted yesterday about ditching the scale.  I wish I felt like I could step away from the scale like Mindy and Katy have.  I know I'm much more than that number, but right now I'm not seeing progress in any other way either, so it's all I've got.

Weigh In Wednesday: progress-ish

I am down 1.8 pounds this week, which is about what I gained last week.  It could be worse I guess.  I've been trying to stick with the 2-a-day workouts (strength plus cardio) and most days I've done that.  I haven't gone so far as to start tracking my food again since that only makes me stabby and I have enough shit going on as it is.

We are hosting Thanksgiving in a few weeks so I can have a bit of control over the menu.  I'm trying to find some paleo/healthified versions of some of our standard Turkey-day fare and if I come across anything great, I'll make sure to share it.

What I haven't found is a good paleo pie recipe that doesn't have a bazilionty ingredients and take 2 weeks to make.  If anyone has a good dessert suggestion, I'm all ears.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday & a Weigh-in

Good advice from Marathon Don on the GR Marathon blog today.

My friend, Beki, posted this on FB yesterday.  Anyone else relate?

Looks like I'm right where I was a year ago. *sigh*

This made me smile. The Oatmeal rocks.

I hope everyone has a Wonderful Wednesday!

#WIAW and a better weigh-in

First off, I finally found a paleo-ish Chicken Parm recipe that tastes almost as good as regular Chicken Parm.  You can find it here but basically, it's just chicken breasts dunked in egg, then seasoned (oregano, garlic powder, salt, pepper) almond flour and baked on a parchment-lined cookie sheet at 375 until done (about 30 min).  I served it over zoodles with my favorite Rao's sauce and a little bit of mozzarella.  

I lost nearly all of the weight I gained last week, which is shocking since not pictured in the WIAW picture is all the candy and GF brownies with ice cream I've had this week.  Taper...the struggle is real, people!

If there's one benefit to needing to get up extra early to present an inservice to staff at 7:15 in the morning, it's being awake to see the Bloodmoon.  Pretty cool stuff that my iPhone camera can't really do justice.  Even better than the moon was the number of stars I saw.  Very pretty sky.

Did you see the lunar eclipse this morning?

Weigh In and #WIAW: bad sign or wake-up call?

So, it would appear stress plus THIS

equals THIS

Yes, that would be a 3.2 pound gain this week.  Add that to the 1.4 pound gain last week and I've managed to pack on 4.6 pounds in 2 weeks.  Just the other day I was watching the Biggest Loser and commented to a friend how I couldn't believe the 18 year old (Blake is her name I think) could gain so much weight in one year.  Then, this morning, it hit me.  4.6 pounds every two weeks would result in about a 120 pound gain over the course of the year.

Now, do I really believe that this time next year I'll weigh 270 pounds? Absolutely not.  But it's scary how fast weight comes back on.

It doesn't matter if you bike for an hour, do 100 squats and lunges, or spend 4 hours running on the weekend.  What you put in your mouth counts more than the exercise.

If you treat every day like long run day, you WILL gain weight.  Even a 20 mile run doesn't entitle you to to eat all the things.  I ate and drank entirely too much this weekend and last weekend.  That was very clear.  I'm terrified that this trend will continue after race day.  I was so proud of myself for getting back into my "skinny" jeans and now I'm disappointed for blowing it all so quickly.

I wasn't even sure if I should post this today but I'm just trying to keep it real.  And right now, reality sucks.

Weigh-In Wednesday : blerg

I should have expected this 1.4 pound gain due to fun girls weekend & the pulled pork I made for dinner the other night.

I'm sure some is water but not all of it.

I hate how much the number on that little machine can affect me. I know I'm relatively healthy, my labs are all perfect, my "skinny" jeans fit again, but the thought of being that close to 150 when I really feel I should be in the 130s is do effing frustrating.

Look at the picture. Other than the drop right away when I started eating paleo-ish, I've really made no real change in the past 3-4 months. Blerg.

Weigh-in Wednesday: #WIAW too much "ish"

My diet has been less paleo and more paleo-ish lately.  I've reintroduced some grains but have stayed primarily gluten free.  Seems I can't even have rice flour or corn without gaining weight.  Thanks to this lax eating, I gained 2 pounds this week.  I also was sick as a dog for eating my hamburger on a real bun the other night.  

Lesson learned.

I did make a very healthy dinner last night.  Roasted chicken (I took the skin off to eat it), steamed veggies and a plain sweet potato.  I also had a glass of wine and a salad (the dressing wasn't paleo - Olive Garden Italian has cheese in it and "bad" oil but it was what I had that wasn't cream-based).

What isn't pictured is what I had AFTER dinner.  2 more glasses of wine, a GF brownie and a small scoop of ice cream.  Celebrating the first day of senior year for my kids shouldn't include me I guess because even though I tried to be healthier, it was still cheating.  Now I have half a pan of brownies and a container of ice cream taunting me.

Brownies and ice cream are my Kryptonite.  What's yours?

Weigh-In Wednesday: pictures are louder than words

You know that old saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all"? I'm going to let this picture say it all this week.

Obviously I fucked up this week. There's nothing else to say.

Weigh In Wednesday "progress"

I posted this question to a closed group I belong to on Facebook because I'm super frustrated right now.

"Why does MFP call the weight and measurement tracking section "progress"? There's no progress here unless you count moving in the wrong direction this entire month. How is it I can run almost 30 miles last week (incl an 18 miler on Sunday) plus have 2 almost 90 min strength sessions and still gain weight?"


I'm sure people are going to come back and say I'm not eating enough but I don't think that's it.  I have my calories set at 1330 and I eat back most of what I burn exercising. I'm not hungry when I go to bed but I'm hungry when I wake up.  I'm eating paleo at least 85-90% of the time which means lots of protein and veggies, very little refined crap, and minimal sugar.  I've started to add back in some dairy and occasionally a grain like corn because frankly, I like those things and they don't seem to mess up my system. Or do they?  Is that why my weightloss completely stalled after my trip to Savannah?  Do I need to cut those foods back out?  Or is this simply going to be the way it is while I'm marathon training?  I joked after my 18 miler that my goal the next day was to "not eat all the things" but it really wasn't a joke.  I'm trying very hard to find the balance between refueling and overeating. In the summer I crave salty foods after runs because I sweat so much but I'm trying not to go nuts with salt because that just makes me retain water. It's not easy.

If you have an answer to my question that isn't just "eat more" I'd love to hear it.

WIAW and a Weigh In #justtrollin

It would appear maybe I've been a bit to "ish" on the paleo-ish eating habits since vacation.  Why is it so difficult to get back on track?  I gave myself some leeway while in Savannah and was rewarded with a nearly 5 pound gain.  I've only managed to lose about 1/2 a pound of that since I got back (and this week I gained .2 pounds back).  To say I'm frustrated would be an understatement, but I also know it's totally my fault.  I didn't run much at all last week because I screwed up my hip.  It's better now, but not having those 600+ calorie runs a few times a week means that's 600 less calories I should be eating each day.

While I've done a good job making paleo meals this week, like this awesome Shrimp Scampi with Zoodles (just saute shrimp in a little olive oil and garlic, add baby spinach leaves and cherry tomatoes, then toss with zucchini noodles and fresh basil leaves)...

...I've also gone out to eat.  We've been to Red Robin (where I "splurged" on the 200 calorie gluten free bun with my burger and ate fries) and a local hot dog place (where I felt gypped because had my dogs without the best hot dog buns in town).

I also discovered the best gluten free beer - Omission Pale Ale.  I probably shouldn't have even tried it because even though it's gluten free, it's still 175 calories a bottle.

All of this - not exercising enough, adding some grains and potatoes back in, and splurging on foods that taste good but really aren't any good for me - has resulted in a complete halt in the weight loss department.

This graph should be continuing to move down, not up.  Yes, I'm still at a net loss (and there's a good chance that 144 at the end of June was a fluke) but I'm not where I should be or want to be.  

I need to do better this week.  I need to somehow figure out how to eat in Chicago this weekend while I'm there to run Rock n Roll Chicago (plus extra miles) as my 18 mile long run without blowing my progress even more.  Yep. Paleo in the land of deep dish pizza and the best popcorn on the planet should be fun.

I think I need to get back to no grains at all (this means no popcorn, tortilla chips or corn tortillas, or gluten free breads/pizza crusts), no regular potatoes, and no more beer - even if it's "fake" beer.  No cheat days. Is that realistic?  Probably not but what else can I do? Giving myself some #justtrollin #tribelove.

I'm not looking for advise.  Just trying to wrap my head around how I can successfully marathon train, lose weight, and eat paleo most of the time.  I'm extremely proud of myself for sticking with this as long as I have but I have to say, it hasn't been easy and now that the scale results aren't showing, the motivation to stick with it isn't really there.  It is what it is.

Before you leave, have you entered my giveaway for an entry to the Detroit Women's Half Marathon and 5k? Go here to enter - you can use the entry for either the actual or virtual race.

#WIAW and a Weigh-in: Keeping it #fitbloggin real

I just spent 5 glorious days in Savannah, GA for the FitBloggin conference.  (More on the conference later.)

If you know anything about Savannah, it's not the healthiest place to eat.

I mean, they deep fry EVERYTHING!

From their tomatoes....

to their Moon Pies.....

for the record - it was TO DIE FOR

Savannah even has this neat little law that allows you to walk down the street with booze.

I know, right?!?!

Needless to say, as hard as I tried to stick to "paleo-ish", there were a lot of things I ate and drank that did not fit the bill.  One session I went to at FitBloggin pointed out that we can "choose to fail".  Last weekend, I chose to allow myself to "fail" without punishing myself for doing so.  My body punished me plenty after the one day I drank 4 beers (over the course of the day, but still).  Lesson learned at 1 am.

My indulging rewarded me with an extra 4.8 pounds on the scale.  Now, I KNOW I did not gain 4.8 pounds of fat this weekend and the majority of this is water from eating carbs and drinking booze.  I'm choosing to not stress too much about this.  Hopefully the extra pounds will be gone next week though because I'd hate to think I blew 8 weeks of healthy eating and weightloss in a single weekend.  But if I did, then I need to accept that.

Weigh-In Wednesday: BOOM!

I got on the scale this morning and was all WHA?????

That would be a 3.4 pound loss this week!  I didn't believe it so I stepped off and back on again. Same number.  Go me!  I was hoping for 147 so the fact I broke 145 the day I'm heading down to Savannah makes me very happy.

I've been doing this paleo-ish thing for about 2 months now.  It's definitely gotten easier but I won't lie, I'm afraid of what I'm going to be able to eat on vacation.  Or rather, what I'm not going to be able to eat.  I'm not going to kid myself and think I'll be even smaller when I get home (or the same number for that matter) because I'm going to enjoy myself.  If I want a fried green tomato or a real beer, by George, I'm going to have one.  I just won't eat the whole plate full or consume an entire 6-pack.

Peace