Where I've been Lately

For some bizarre reason, I still have the Facebook page associated with this blog and over the past couple days, I've received a ton of notifications of new likes and view, so I thought I should probably post something.

For those of you new here - welcome.  For those of you who have managed to stick around - thanks.  In case you didn't notice, I've taken a bit of a break from blogging.  By my calculations (or that thingy on the side), I've posted 5 times in 2016 - 6 if you count this one.  I really haven't felt like I've had anything to say.  At least nothing positive.  When I've blogged in the past and voiced my frustrations or disappointment in myself, I've gotten slammed, so I decided it was best not to say anything.

Here's where I've been lately....

I started this blog almost 7 years ago, on June 23, 2009, as a weight loss blog.  I weighed in that day at 165.8.  Guess what I weighed this morning?  166.8.  In the past 7 years, I managed to get down to a pretty happy weight around 140.  I became a runner and completed a shit ton of races - including 2 marathons and 2 sprint triathlons.  But...

I'm now heavier than I was in 2009 and my running is pretty much in the toilet due to injuries and being fat.  I screwed up my shoulder and now I can't really lift or swim without that hurting too. I can't run without pain and my pace is closer to a 13 minute mile than the 10s and even 9s I'd worked myself down to.  I know a bunch of people are going to say that it doesn't matter.  That what matters is that I'm still out there.  Forward is better than nothing.  Some would give anything to be 167 pounds and run a 13 minute mile.  Blah blah blah.  Sorry, folks.  It matters to me and all I see is failure.  I worked really hard to lose 25+ pounds and become a sub-10 min mile runner.  Now I'm back where I started - or worse.

On a related note, I'm supposed to go to the Fitbloggin' conference in Indianapolis in July.  I was so excited when they chose a city in the Midwest.  Finally, I could attend without needing a plane ticket. I'd get to see my friends, but do I really want to be seen 25 pounds heavier than the last time I went to Fitbloggin? To still call myself a fitness blogger? Definitely not. I've paid my registration but I can't afford to stay on site.  Room plus parking (because I'd have a car) is over $200 a night.  Sure, I could room with someone to cut part of the room rate down, but that doesn't fix the extra $200 I'll have to pay to leave my car there.  $40 a day for a car??? I could stay at a Motel 6 for that - only not in Downtown Indy because everything is HELLA expensive.  I booked a room about 1/2 a mile away for a little less money and free parking, but to stay off-site means I lose out on a lot the conference has to offer.  I don't think it's worth the $500+ it will cost for me to attend when I could spend the same to go visit my daughter in Florida sometime during the winter when I'm really hating being in Michigan.  Sorry guys, but I'm 90% sure I'm staying home in July.  If anyone wants to drive 4.5 hours north after the conference ends and experience Beer City, USA and some gorgeous Lake Michigan beaches, let me know.

So there you have it...I haven't been blogging because there's really nothing good to say.  I'm feeling sorry for myself and whenever I voice that - either here or on Facebook or wherever - I get a bunch of shit about how I should love myself and accept where I am right now and all that other bullshit.  I really don't want to hear any of that so please just don't.  Not sure when I'll post again.  It could be tomorrow or it might be 6 months from now.  Either way, if you are just finding this space, I'm sorry that it's probably not what you were looking for.

Fit + Blogging = #fitbloggin

So, there's this really amazing blogging conference that's I've had the pleasure of attending a couple times - Savannah in 2014 and Baltimore in 2011.  FitBloggin is more than just a conference - it's a community.  It's a community and tribe I have missed.

Like their tagline says, "using blogging, social media, and digital communication to motivate, inspire and foster a culture of health and wellness where everyone belongs."

My goal between now and July, when I *hopefully* attend my 3rd FitBloggin conference in Indianapolis, is to bring back some of that "fit" and "blogging" since both have been sporadic at best.

Here's the "fit" part:

 I am finally getting the scale to move back in the right direction.  (I weigh in at home on Wednesdays and at Weight Watchers on Saturdays - hopefully the 2 numbers match this week because I've been ON POINT for the past week since returning from Atlanta.

The "blogging" part will come.  As I have things to say, I'll say them.  If you want to read and comment, hopefully you will do that too :)  I used to be so consistent here, with a "schedule" and everything, but honestly, I got really burned out.  Maybe July and my tribe will motivate me to get my voice back out here.

Here's hoping 2016 has started off with a bang (in a good way) for you.  Are you planning to attend FitBloggin'16?  Please let me know if you are and if I actually make it (I'm registered but there's a lot that still needs to fall into place), we will definitely meet for hugs!

Not liking this trend

So I followed the advice of a few friends and put the scale away for a bit.  I went on vacation and while I was gone, I got in a few runs and ate whatever I felt like eating.  No low carb. No tracking. No counting calories.  I came back from vacation and waited a few days before I weighed in. Shockingly, I only gained about 1/2 a pound while I was gone.  

Flash forward another week where I've been more on track food-wise and exercising more, and now I'm up 2 more pounds.  What the actual fuck???

I decided to go back in MFP and see a graph for the last year.  11 pounds gained is NOT what I had in mind.  I can only imagine what my doctor is going to say when I'm in for my annual physical next month.

Because I'm some kind of masochist, I took a few pictures.  Because pictures don't lie.  I look as bad as I feel.  I am resembling a stuffed sausage in my clothes and that's really not a good look for me.

Yikes.

There once was a time I really liked my back.  Now? All I see is fat spilling over the sides of my way too tight sports bra and tank top.  There are no muscles left.

I was *thisclose* to joining Weight Watchers again this morning.  Why didn't I?  Because as a "Lifetime Member" I would have to pay again until I reached my previous goal weight - which was 141 from probably over 10 years ago.  There is no way that is a realistic goal anymore when I can't even get to 150.  

I'm kind of stuck.  I started tracking again today but that really hasn't worked for me.  I should probably go back to very low carb.  Honestly, I did lose a few pounds (it's that recent dip on the graph).  I need to get back to the gym and start lifting again.  I bought a 1-month unlimited yoga membership with my daughter to support her going (doctor's orders for her to see if they help her migraines).  We went on Monday and Tuesday's run was very painful and this morning's run turned into a walk because my Achilles and calves were so sore.  I thought yoga was supposed to help, not make you worse.  Going again today so we shall see.

I really don't want advice.  I don't want people suggesting this diet or that diet.  Chances are, I've already tried and failed at them.  If  Whole 30 or Paleo or 21 Day Fix or works for you, that's great.  I'm done thinking they will work for me.  I'm just putting this out there for some accountability to myself.

Back on the wagon I guess.  

Weigh-In Wednesday: I failed

Yep.  That would be a gain this week.  Did you know it's possible to gain weight on a very low carb diet?  Well, it really isn't, at least not this early into the plan.  The fact that I gained means I fucked up.

This past weekend included two graduation parties and a grown-ups party.  I thought I could handle it and make good choices, but obviously I was wrong.

It sucks to have undone over half of what I managed to accomplish (for the record, I was 157 two days ago).  Yes, I know that the majority of this is water, as evidenced by my loss of two of these pounds yesterday, but it still sucks.  I failed and now I'm starting over again.  I know this is why I won't ever commit to strict Whole30 or something like that.  I know I can't do it and then every slip-up will send me into a self-hate spiral.  Proof positive this weekend.

I don't totally hate myself but I'm definitely not happy.

Back to square one.

Weigh In Wednesday: downward trend

Whoa...I got so busy at work today that I totally forgot to post this.  Yep, I've managed to lose just over 5 pounds in the first week of low-carb.  I know it's all water at this point, but it's nice to see the downward trend and to be below 155 again.  Maybe eventually I'll even see the low 140s (although at this point I don't have a goal weight in mind).


I have to admit, what I've been eating the past week or so has been pretty boring.  I've made 2 different quiches to alternate for breakfasts because eating the same one every day last week got really old, and I'm having the same basic BLAT salad for lunch every day (bacon, lettuce, avocado, turkey, a tiny bit of tomato, and ranch dressing).  If I've had a few carbs and calories left at the end of the day, I've treated myself to a glass of red wine (3.5 carbs vs close to 20 in a beer).

Weigh In Wednesday: back on track

It's been 2 weeks since my little rant here about having gained back so much weight that I was basically back to 2009 when I started blogging.  I saw a number on the scale that I REALLY didn't like and maybe that was the kick in the ass I needed to get back on track.

I've been logging most days and keeping my calories around 1200 (more on days with heavier workouts) and trying to eat more protein and veggies than carbs.

It seems to be working because I'm down 6 pounds.  This is definitely a step in the right direction.

Because I have a race this weekend, I'm making sure to still eat and drink enough and not really limiting my carbs (yet) because I know my body needs fuel for the 25k.  After the race, I'm tightening up  my eating even more.  Some conglomeration between paleo, whole 30 and low carb is my goal because it seems that's what works for me.  I know carbs affect me negatively - I ate too many over the weekend and my weight shot back up and I felt like crap.  My body needs quality protein, healthy veggies, and a limited number of fruits and grains.  I'm going to be taking a sort of sabbatical from distance running so I'm not worried about needing massive amounts of carbs to fuel 2+ hour runs.

Anyhoo...just wanted to give those of you who commented after my rant (thank you, by the way) a little update.  Hopefully the positivity will continue.

Weigh In Wednesday Riddle

Warning: whiny post ahead.

Riddle me this:

I stayed within my calories 6/7 days this past week (and the one day I went over was a 14 mile run day so technically I was way under because I'm sure I didn't eat enough the rest of the day).

I exercised 5/7 days.

I'm drinking my water (excuse me while I run to the bathroom to pee, again).

I'm down a whopping .4 pounds (that's POINT 4, as in less than half a pound).  I should really re-weigh myself when I go home for lunch though because I've had major GI issues all morning and I must be down another 2 pounds. TMI - you're welcome.

My measurements are the same.

Why am I making zero progress?

Awful. I really don't remember when my waist size was as big as it is now. Seriously, even at my heaviest I always had a smaller waist. And that number I said I'd never weigh again? I'm almost into the decade above that.

I really think I'm stuck here and "here" is a really crappy place to be. I'm pissed and I don't understand why this is now impossible for me.  This is why it is so hard to stay motivated. I do everything right and I still fail.

Weigh-In Wednesday: sigh

I know it's only been 2 days since I've been tracking, but I've kept my calories to within the range I set on MFP (1500 for those of you wondering) so I guess I was expecting the scale to at least be the same, not up again.  Maybe 1500 calories are too much and I need to drop it back down to 1200.  Kind of scary when I've eaten  a healthy breakfast and lunch today totaling about 850 so far.  Doesn't leave much for dinner besides some lettuce.

I wrote the check-in post for The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans today.  The irony isn't lost on me that I'm now weighing within a few pounds of what I weighed when I started blogging in 2009, writing for a fitness/weight loss site, and not being able to practice what I preach.  To be honest, that makes me really sick.  That post could be written today with the only exception being that I am much more active now.  Back then I'd done a few really slow 5ks and now I've done 15 half marathons, and 2 full marathons.

But I'm still overweight.  I could say the last almost 6 years were all for nothing, but I know they weren't.  I'm definitely healthier than back then.  More active for sure. But I feel like I've learned nothing about what to put in my body to keep me a size I can tolerate and feel good about. Sigh.

Because I'm having a bit of a pity party here's some timely Shel Silverstein instead.  Kinda wishing it was still Christmas time.

Motivation Monday: a fresh start?

I stole this off of my friend, Jennifer's, Facebook page this morning.  I don't really understand why Mondays are reserved for starting over when you really can start anytime you please.

But today it works. I need a fresh start.  This weekend, one I had to buy more new clothes because I'm running out of stuff that isn't sausage-casing tight.  I found a great pair of pants at Banana Republic for about 75% off.  I bought them and I'm wearing them today, but I hate that there is a number 12 on the tag.  I know it shouldn't matter but I haven't been a size 12 in at least 4 or 5 years.

That's depressing as hell.

One of my friends asked if I was still tracking calories.  I said no.  I track for a couple days, fuck up, and then stop.

Today I started again.

Hopefully it sticks this time.

Motivation Monday: OMG!

I've had more than a few OMG! moments lately.  This past weekend I had to buy a new pair of jeans because none of my current ones fit anymore.

Do you know how hard it is to "reward" yourself with new clothes because you got too fat for the ones you already own?  Not to mention OMG they were crazy expensive.  Not cool.  I really need work pants too because I'm down to 2 pair that fit, but I can't justify spending another $100 when I really don't want to wear them for very long.

This morning I saw a number on the scale that I said I would never see again. In fact, it's a whole decade HIGHER than another number I said I would never see again.  A full TWO decades higher than where I really think I should be.

Yes, it's just a number and I know some of it is bloat from salt and whatnot this weekend, but still. It took everything I had not to burst into tears this morning.  This number is just further confirmation that I've completely screwed up several YEARS worth of work.  I can't stand what I see in the mirror and I'm so disappointed in myself.

How is this motivating?

I dusted off MFP this morning - although I'm toying with the idea of going old-school journaling a la Weight Watchers and just writing down everything I eat and drink without tracking the calorie aspect.

I'm chugging water this morning like it's my JOB.

I'm making a plan to start lifting again when my stupid back settles down (it doesn't help that I failed my long run this weekend because I couldn't last a mile without pain).

Here's hoping all this motivation lasts for longer than a day or two and that number starts going down again and my current wardrobe starts fitting.

Meal Monday: still trying to figure it all out

I've been following the meal plan for 21 Day Fix for 2 weeks now - well, at least Monday thru Friday.  I have a plan for the weekends, but then I run long on Saturday morning and proceed to eat everything in sight the rest of the weekend.

Like I told one of my friends, I don't exactly crave salads after running 12 miles.  I'm sitting here writing this at 8pm on Sunday night after eating 4 cookies (granted, made with only banana, eggs and oatmeal plus a few chocolate chips, but still cookies).

Am I just destined to fail?  I posted in a Facebook group the struggle I'm having.  Full disclosure - I'm not doing the workout DVDs that go with the program, didn't even buy them, because I already workout 5-6 days a week for at least an hour a day and I'm training for 3 upcoming races.  I need to get in my runs.  I already strength train.  I also do not drink the shakes because I've tried them and they're gross to me and I refuse to spend a shitload of money on something I'd have to gag down.  You want to know what a bunch of the people suggested?  They told me to stop running.  Just do the DVDs they said.  Buy the shakes, they are so awesome. Gee, thanks. So helpful.

I understand about the need to mix up your workouts and I think I do that.  My runs are different each day, I do intervals on the bike to burn more calories, I do 4 different lifting workouts during the week.

Maybe they are all right.  Maybe I'll never get smaller doing what I'm doing.  I guess if I haven't bought into the entire program, shakes, diet and DVDs I can't really expect to see any results.  It's hard to see people posting progress pictures saying they've lost XX number of pounds and inches when I know I've had zero success.  Do I just need to accept I'm always going to look like I do now unless I stop being a runner and start workout out in front of my TV?

One other suggestion was to eat more, because maybe 1500 calories before exercise isn't enough.  So this week, I'm trying the 1500-1800 calorie bracket.  I really don't think it will work and when I weigh in and measure next week Monday, I'm going to be just as fat as I am now or worse from eating too much.  I already know I haven't lost any weight or inches in the first 2 weeks.

I'm not frustrated at all.

WIAW: an apparently all the things weigh-in

And just like that, I'm up 4.4 pounds and the heaviest I've been in over 6 months.  Great freaking way to finish up 2014, don't you think?

I don't even think I went all that nuts over Thanksgiving either.  I had a very small serving of stuffing and stuck to my paleo dessert.  Filled my plate with lean turkey and sweet potatoes. My veggie dishes were paleo (although the carrots did have a ton of butter and bourbon so maybe not quite paleo).  Other than the stupid zucchini and banana breads that were made this weekend, I've stayed away from wheat.  Since the weekend, I'm back to paleo-ish except for that damn bread.  It needs to be removed from the house.  I've even been drinking water like it's my JOB to try to get rid of any of the crap from the weekend.

The bottom line?  I obviously still ate too much and too much of the wrong things.  One of my friends suggested it's the amoxicilan and high calorie stupid yogurt I'm eating (because the antibiotics hate me) causing me to puff up or something, but that doesn't seem right either.  I know I haven't worked out enough because of whatever stupid bug I contracted, although the past 3 days I've done pretty well.  I got on the scale this morning and wondered why the fuck I even bother to work out because it's obviously not doing anything.

It really sucks and I'm pissed at myself for blowing any bit of progress I ever made.  I can barely remember anymore what it's like to be in the 140s, much less how great it felt and looked to be in the 130s. At this rate, I should be well up over 160 by the new year.  Happy 2015 to me.

Weigh In Wednesday: up down up

By all accounts, this shows a 0.4 pound loss this week, but if you were to expand that out to show the last year, you'd see I've basically maintained with a hell of a lot of up-down-up-down.  A year ago, I was 150, so over the past year, I've made no progress whatsoever. What frustrates me is that I stepped on the scale yesterday and was 148 even - so I "gained" .8 pounds overnight.  Now, I know I didn't eat enough to gain almost a pound in 24 hours so it's water or maybe my coffee hadn't fully kicked in yet.  Whatever.  It's still frustrating.  I know I shouldn't care and 148.8 is a weight that many people would probably celebrate, but I do care and it frustrates me.  Have I mentioned I'm frustrated?

Maybe I'm just not working hard enough.  I've definitely been more "ish" than paleo lately.  Damn you, Udi's, for making such good gluten-free bread and Bell's brewing for making such good beer.  Maybe adding lifting nearly every day to my cardio isn't doing what it's supposed to be doing.  Again, maybe I'm just not working hard enough.

It's ironic that 2 of my friends posted yesterday about ditching the scale.  I wish I felt like I could step away from the scale like Mindy and Katy have.  I know I'm much more than that number, but right now I'm not seeing progress in any other way either, so it's all I've got.

Weigh In Wednesday: progress-ish

I am down 1.8 pounds this week, which is about what I gained last week.  It could be worse I guess.  I've been trying to stick with the 2-a-day workouts (strength plus cardio) and most days I've done that.  I haven't gone so far as to start tracking my food again since that only makes me stabby and I have enough shit going on as it is.

We are hosting Thanksgiving in a few weeks so I can have a bit of control over the menu.  I'm trying to find some paleo/healthified versions of some of our standard Turkey-day fare and if I come across anything great, I'll make sure to share it.

What I haven't found is a good paleo pie recipe that doesn't have a bazilionty ingredients and take 2 weeks to make.  If anyone has a good dessert suggestion, I'm all ears.

Semi-Wordless Wednesday & a Weigh-in

Good advice from Marathon Don on the GR Marathon blog today.

My friend, Beki, posted this on FB yesterday.  Anyone else relate?

Looks like I'm right where I was a year ago. *sigh*

This made me smile. The Oatmeal rocks.

I hope everyone has a Wonderful Wednesday!

#WIAW and a better weigh-in

First off, I finally found a paleo-ish Chicken Parm recipe that tastes almost as good as regular Chicken Parm.  You can find it here but basically, it's just chicken breasts dunked in egg, then seasoned (oregano, garlic powder, salt, pepper) almond flour and baked on a parchment-lined cookie sheet at 375 until done (about 30 min).  I served it over zoodles with my favorite Rao's sauce and a little bit of mozzarella.  

I lost nearly all of the weight I gained last week, which is shocking since not pictured in the WIAW picture is all the candy and GF brownies with ice cream I've had this week.  Taper...the struggle is real, people!

If there's one benefit to needing to get up extra early to present an inservice to staff at 7:15 in the morning, it's being awake to see the Bloodmoon.  Pretty cool stuff that my iPhone camera can't really do justice.  Even better than the moon was the number of stars I saw.  Very pretty sky.

Did you see the lunar eclipse this morning?

Weigh In and #WIAW: bad sign or wake-up call?

So, it would appear stress plus THIS

equals THIS

Yes, that would be a 3.2 pound gain this week.  Add that to the 1.4 pound gain last week and I've managed to pack on 4.6 pounds in 2 weeks.  Just the other day I was watching the Biggest Loser and commented to a friend how I couldn't believe the 18 year old (Blake is her name I think) could gain so much weight in one year.  Then, this morning, it hit me.  4.6 pounds every two weeks would result in about a 120 pound gain over the course of the year.

Now, do I really believe that this time next year I'll weigh 270 pounds? Absolutely not.  But it's scary how fast weight comes back on.

It doesn't matter if you bike for an hour, do 100 squats and lunges, or spend 4 hours running on the weekend.  What you put in your mouth counts more than the exercise.

If you treat every day like long run day, you WILL gain weight.  Even a 20 mile run doesn't entitle you to to eat all the things.  I ate and drank entirely too much this weekend and last weekend.  That was very clear.  I'm terrified that this trend will continue after race day.  I was so proud of myself for getting back into my "skinny" jeans and now I'm disappointed for blowing it all so quickly.

I wasn't even sure if I should post this today but I'm just trying to keep it real.  And right now, reality sucks.

Weigh-In Wednesday : blerg

I should have expected this 1.4 pound gain due to fun girls weekend & the pulled pork I made for dinner the other night.

I'm sure some is water but not all of it.

I hate how much the number on that little machine can affect me. I know I'm relatively healthy, my labs are all perfect, my "skinny" jeans fit again, but the thought of being that close to 150 when I really feel I should be in the 130s is do effing frustrating.

Look at the picture. Other than the drop right away when I started eating paleo-ish, I've really made no real change in the past 3-4 months. Blerg.

Weigh-in Wednesday: photos don't lie

Late last week, I posted to IG about a great non-scale victory. I got back into this favorite pair of Silver jeans and I have to admit, I was feeling pretty skinny.

Even my butt looked smaller :)

But then race photos came out from Sunday's Bridge Run.

Not flattering AT.ALL.  Sure, I'm smiling but I saw the picture and all that confidence from 3 days earlier was gone.  Friends kept finding this one and tagging me on FB.  Oh the joys of social media.

At least you can see how pretty the setting was.  This is around mile 6 in Riverside Park.  I was still hanging with the pacers.

Looks like I was happy to finally pull away from the pacers at mile 8.  This picture is a bit better, too.

I decided to just have fun in this race.  That shows on my face.  Also, I'm a dork and need to not pose for the photographers.  (That dude in the jacket owes me big for being his rabbit.  Maybe he was just checking out my ass for 10 miles.)

Another not-so-flattering picture from the finish line.  Obviously I'm glad to be done (and it's cool that both of my feet are off the ground).  

So, if photos don't lie, which picture should I believe?  The skinny selfie?  The fat hanging over the fuel belt?  The strong runner at the finish?  I really don't know anymore.  As for the weigh-in this week - I'm up .6 pounds.  Better than the 3 pounds I was up just 2 days ago.

#WIAW and a Weigh In

It's that time of the week again where I say I'm not going to stress about the scale. Usually I'm lying to myself & I hate the number I see. Today wasn't so bad.

In fact, it was pretty darn good. I've tried to get back to a bit more paleo and a bit less "ish" this week. It seems to have helped because I'm down 3.4 pounds. Now, if I could just keep this going that would be great.

Now for the "what I ate" part of today's post.  I finally found something bread-like that's fast and makes great sandwiches.  While killing time searching on Pinterest, I stumbled upon this recipe for a 1 minute muffin. Now, I'm all about the 1 minute mug cake and cookie recipes because HELLO! A dessert in 1 minute - no brainer.  But, I'd never thought to try and make an individual bread.  These actually turned out really good.

This first one was made using the original recipe and almond flour.  I do not have "golden flax meal" so I used regular and my baking powder is not aluminum free (who knew there was such a thing???).  They turned out fine.  This one baked up very fluffy and I was able to slice it into 4 thin rounds and toast them in the toaster.  Incredible BLAT sandwich!  The one drawback to this recipe? One ramakin of bread is over 300 calories.  OUCH.  Yes, when it's paleo it's not supposed to matter, but still.  300 Freaking Calories!

I made pulled chicken in the crockpot for dinner and decided to try the bread again, this time using the alternate recipe with coconut flour.  These don't pack quite the calorie punch - "only" 195 calories but that still seemed really high to me.  Also, they didn't rise as much with the coconut flour and had a bit sweeter of a taste.  Still good but I think the almond flour ones tasted better.  I think in the future, I'll stick with the almond flour recipe and just save 1/2 the bun for another meal.  

So, is it worth it to make a bread that is going to add 300 calories to your day? I'm not sure, but actually eating a real sandwich was kind of a treat :)