Tuesday, July 20, 2010

True Confessions Tuesday: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

True Confessions

Today is Tuesday again and we get to air out our transgressions for the blogosphere to see.  I get a little Debbie Downer-ish near the end, so you can stop reading at the "good" if you want.  Really, that's probably best anyway. 

I decided to go with an Eastwood reference this week since this damn tune has been running through my head (thanks, Mike):

The Good:
  • I finished my 2nd 10k race this year with a PR (a whopping 13 seconds faster than my 1st one).  If you'd like to hear more about it, go here.  I felt TONS better after this race than I did after my first 10k back in May.  I felt like I could've even run yesterday, but gave myself a little more rest time. 
  • I've done the Shred for the past 2 days and my arms and legs are killing me.
  • I've selected a training program for a 1/2 marathon that will fall in the middle of October. 
  • I bought a pair of pants yesterday at New York & Co in a size 6.  I was wearing the exact same style of pants from there last year in a size 12. 
The Bad: 
  • After said 10k, I proceeded to eat anything I could stuff in my mouth. I did this for a few days before the race, too.  This coming off of a 2.4 lb loss last week. Hello, McFly!  Can you say sabotage? 
  • I ate pizza 3 times last weekend, had a beer after the race, and went to a movie 2 nights ago and ate popcorn and lots of pretzel M&M's.  I continued to grab M&M's every time I passed the open bag at home.  It wasn't a small bag and now they are gone.  I also ate some of Mike's plain M&Ms.
  • I haven't run since the race.
  • Because of the shred tearing up my legs, I'm afraid I won't be able to run tomorrow, but I'm going to try.
The Ugly:
  • My race number from Saturday is what I've had in the back of my mind as my "goal weight".  I haven't publicized this goal anywhere up until now.  Maybe the race number was a sign that I need to admit I'm getting close, but it still seems so far away.  This was the weight that I maintained for 6 years after losing 50 pounds with Weight Watchers but I just can't break through the 140s right now.  I'm hoping I can get there again (and soon) but I don't seem to be making much progress lately.  Maybe it's the damn pizza and M&Ms.  This is in the "Ugly" category because in my twisted mind, 138 isn't going to be good enough.
  • Even though I bought new pants this week in a size smaller than I have ever worn, and the fact that the swimsuit I won from Shrinking Jeans and Lands End is also this size, I can't consider myself a "6".  The majority of my "new" clothes are a size 8, which is still awesome and some of them have even gotten a little big.  Why is this in the "Ugly" category?  Even with this great non-scale victory, all I see are the areas that still need major work.  I still see a fat girl staring back at me from the mirror.  I see saggy skin that makes me want to vomit hanging from my stomach when I do push-ups or planks.  I see thighs that rub together.  I see bingo wings.  I was overdressed for my last race (and almost overheated and ill because of it) because I don't have the confidence or skinny thighs to just run in a sports bra and shorts, even though it is 85+ degrees outside.  This week's mini-challenge from Shrinking Jeans is to "SAY or DO 3 positive things for yourself. That would be 3 things a day x 5 days. "  I'm trying, but I just can't and some days that makes me want to cry.  I hope you all forgive me for the Debbie Downer attitude, but there you have it.  I have my annual OBGYN appt next week Friday and I'm afraid of what my doctor (nurse practitioner, actually) is going to say.  Will she be thrilled that I've lost almost 25 pounds this year, or will she say it isn't enough?  Because in my mind, my efforts will never by good enough.  I turn 40 in less than a month, and I haven't reached my goal yet.  Should the number on the scale matter, no, but again, my twisted mind strikes again.  I need some help from you ladies.  Please smack some sense into me.  Seriously.  I need a good ol' fashioned dope slap.  Pronto.

8 comments:

  1. OHMIGOD Bari, you have your fat goggles on! I know this because I so very often wear them myself. It's not until I see pictures of myself that make me realize how far I've come. I have that same saggy tummy skin and I am going to try and stuff that into a bikini myself. Yes, you are wearing a size 6, it's ok to admit this to yourself! You're in!!! This is it! size 6! That is a huge wonderful sign of progress!!! Especially because of the 12 that you WERE in.

    I want to reach through the computer and hug you and then I want to take those fat goggles off you. Sometimes we lose sight of how far we've come when we see how far we have left and even if it's not that far to go, it feels like forever. But just think back to 25 pounds ago and remember what THAT felt like. Would you want to go back there? Do you FEEL better 25 pounds later? Would you have felt that great after a 10k like you did after this one 25 pounds ago? NO! I might not be a sports illustrated bikini model, but ya know what? MY STOMACH NO LONGER TOUCHES THE STEERING WHEEL! AND YES, IT DID AND I WASN'T EVEN PREGNANT! You're beautiful and you've come so far and every mile you've logged says so.

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  2. OUCH! those uglies are are ugly! & unfortunately I can't slap you b/c I could have written it. nothing will ever be small enough, good enough, tight enough for me on me. that's why I love the 'hood b/c they tell us when we are over doing it, when we ARE good enough.

    YAY ON THE NEW SIZES!!!!!!!!!1 THAT FREAKING ROCKS!!

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  3. Christie O and Kim - I love you girls. You made me cry. Thank you. I'm trying my best to listen.

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  4. I so agree with Christie. Take off the fat goggles. Look in the mirror and take in what you really are. You are in a size 6 and that is flippin awesome. You kicked ass in a 10k race when it was so stinkin hot and humid...awesome. So you had a few slips this week. Big freakin deal!! We all do sometimes. It doesn't take away all the good things you have accomplished. It just makes you human, but still totally awesome. Now, do I have to drive up there and bitch slap ya or are you going to see things like they really are. Listen to me...you are awesome and strong and doing a fantastic job. Look in that mirror. You can find 10 things a day if you just look. I'm sure of it!

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  5. *big hugs* oh bari i've been there too. it sucks so bad and you heart hurts so much you can't see all the wonderful things.

    (christie was there to hug me too).

    first off let me say that the scales are horrible indicators of hotness!! celebrate those size 6s! that's a much more honest way to measure.

    there is so much that weight doesn't take into consideration - proportions, height, muscle.

    you are beautiful. and i'm sure your doctor will confirm just how awesome you are!!

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  6. You know what? You look great. Those damn goggles are evil and I want them to be crushed under your feet as you are running and making PRs. You have lost 25 pounds in the last year? That is so awesome! Like beyond awesome. Seriously, you may not be that "magic" number on the scale, but you are stronger and healthier than you were a year ago, right? *That* is what matters. Did you say yesterday that the scale hasn't budged, but you are now wearing some *6's*? That's a strong, healthy body. Now take a deep breath and know that you are strong and beautiful and so worthy of smashed googles. Love you!

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  7. The fat goggles need to go, girlfriend. You are beautiful. You are wearing a size 6 (and might I remind you it's a smaller size than you've ever worn!). You are strong. You WILL meet your goal. Please see what the rest of us see - a woman beautiful on the inside AND outside. HUGS!

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  8. Bari- Oh stop being so hard on yourself. I completely understand were you are coming from. I felt the exact same way after I lot 110 pounds, I still felt fat, I could still see the dimply thighs. It wasn't until I sabotaged myself and gained 30 pounds that I realized that I was good enough then. Look at yourself for who you are and how far you have come. You have worked so hard and you look awesome. Seriously a size six, I joke that my bones are bigger than a size six. Try looking at yourself from a strangers eyes, they are looking at a beautiful, sexy skinny person that they envy. No one else ever sees the faults that you see. Give yourself a break and pat yourself on the back for everything you have accomplished. I look at you and see everything you have done and I read your comments on my blog and others and know that you are a great person with a good heart and I aspire to have the strength and beauty that you have, inside and out.

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