I hate that she makes me hate myself.
I hate that I can't see past the "wrong" is see in myself and find what's "right".
I feel betrayed by my body and I hate it.
I should feel proud that I did 4 strength training workouts (increasing the weight each time) and ran 11 miles this week, but instead I hate that the scale is up 4 pounds after a weekend of bad eating (to my highest weight in probably 2 years) and my clothes are not getting any closer to fitting.
I hate that I could barely button my favorite pair of jeans on Sunday.
I hate even more that I'm walking around in clothes that don't fit and I know people are noticing.
Maybe I hate even more that I care what other people think.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
I hate that I feel powerless to change anything. I'm trying to eat right. I'm exercising. My sore muscles are proof that I'm doing something right. But I just see failure. I'm still gaining weight. I'm not running as far or as fast as I was before (maybe because I'm so much heavier) and I hate that all my hard work has been flushed down the toilet.
I hate feeling this way. I hate that I can't seem to pull myself out of this abyss.
I need to start listening to Maya. I need to find the solution because the hate I feel is only making matters worse.