Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Broken?

I've spent pretty much the entire morning crying my eyes out behind the closed door to my office, pulling myself together for a few minutes at a time to work with some kids.  Thank God for cute 5 year old diversions and a light caseload on Wednesdays.

I'm VERY concerned about the pain I've been having in my calves/shins.  It's been mostly the right leg, but I'd be lying if I didn't say the left leg had issues too. I felt better and ran 8 miles on Saturday.  The pain came back and I could barely finish 4 miles yesterday.  I have an appointment this evening with my sports chiro and I have no idea what he's going to say.  I'm pretty sure all my training is going to come to a halt but HOPEFULLY, I'll still be able to finish the Knoxville Half on April 1st.  What a cruel April Fool's joke would it be if I take my family 12+ hrs away to stand outside waiting for me to finish a race and I don't finish.

What really scares me more than maybe not finishing a race?  Feeling like a failure and failing in front of my family and friends. What kind of example does that set? Also? Running is my ONE thing.  The ONE thing I have that helps keep me sane.  I love having a plan and training for something.  I need all those crazy colors on my calendar to balance out the colors from every other member of the family.  I know I'm never going to "win" anything, or even come close to placing, but knowing I'm improving and getting stronger makes me happy.  I've learned to love running.  I've also really loved starting the NROLFW strength training program. I'm working out in the weight room next to buff dudes and lifting more weight than I ever thought I would. What if I have to stop that, too?

I'm not happy right now.  I don't just feel physically broken.  I'm emotionally broken as well.  I'm terrified of taking time off and continuing to gain weight (I'm up 3 pounds this week, too, which further pisses me off since I literally busted my ass working out this week and ate well except for 2 days).  I've seen what injury can do to people - physically and emotionally.

I don't want that to be me.

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